Squished!
by maryaun
Summary: Gail & Holly ask Steve to donate sperm. One-shot.


"Trust Dick Head to be late," Gail groaned into her almost empty glass. She had at least expected better from Traci, you know, being the promptest of prompt people, just not when it counted the most apparently.

Gail let out a dramatic sigh and sank further into her seat. She knew she was being particularly unfair, but she couldn't help it. Her desperation to start a family was at an all-time high and it had all but consumed her ever since she and Holly had made their decision to start trying for a baby a few weeks ago, but if this evening was to go as well as she was expecting it would, she would in fact be starting her family tomorrow, because Holly was ovulating and Steve was a boy and boys produced sperm…well that is what Mrs. Beaverhausen had taught her in 5th grade.

Holly shifted her gaze from where her hands were fidgeting in her lap to the many off duty cops milling about the bar, nervous energy pumping through her veins as she tried to gauge the atmosphere of their local drinking hole. "Do you think we should've taken them out to a restaurant or something maybe more private?"

Gail mulled over the question for a moment before dismissing it all together, quickly forcing it to the back of her mind where a lot of her wife's other questions went to die. Gail pushed her nose into her glass, dipping the tip into the warm golden dregs pooled at the bottom. "How many times would you have to kick a guy in the nuts for him to be sterile?" Gail pondered.

"Because this bar doesn't really seem that baby friendly." Holly was rolling her eyes at herself as soon as the words had dropped from her historically sensible mouth. "That does it" she thought. It was time to chill the fuck out. Despite Gail's multiple attempts at reassuring her this past week, she was still on edge, fraught with worry, even though according to Gail, Steve was a sure thing. She still wouldn't allow herself to believe it until she heard the words come out of his mouth and his mouth only.

Holly shook herself out of her momentary stupor. "Wait, what did you just ask me?"

Gail sat up straight and wiped her nose. "Steve's nuts?"

"Here we go," Holly thought as she turned to her wife. "Honey…" Holly's tone was dripping with concern. "What about Steve's nuts?"

"Well, over the years Steve's junk and my knee, not to mention my foot, have gotten quite close, you know? You could even say they were best friends."

Gail bit her bottom lip as she watched her wife quietly process this new information. Holly's blank stare had her confused though. "Will he be sterile is what I was asking."

"Only if you ruptured his testicles." Holly could feel her face getting warm, her rage simmering just beneath the surface, just itching to break free. Was she about to lose the opportunity to have cute, snotty ginger-haired babies? "Gail, did you rupture his testicles?"

Shit! Holly had first named her and Gail could sense that this situation was about to get bad, nerdy meltdown mad. "I don't know. My brother's testicles and I never really talked about it. There was mostly yelps of pain or groans of discomfort, no real discussion."

"GAIL!" Holly screeched, slamming her fist against the table sloshing her mostly full drink onto the tabletop.

A few seconds later, after her ears had mercilessly stopped ringing, Gail looked around the now infinitely quieter bar to find everyone staring at her. She then slinked down into the booth and out of the sight of all the prying eyes as Holly wiped up her drink with a napkin.

Gail couldn't help her mouth sometimes. Actually, yes she could, but there was just something about the way her wife got angry that always lit a fire in her belly. Holly was so fucking hot when she was mad and she was really hoping to piss her off some more when they finally got home to celebrate their impending family.

"I didn't rupture my brothers testicles," Gail assured her, picking up Holly's hand, turning it over and placing it on top of her own. "At least 97% sure."

Holly soon found herself relaxing as Gail began to massage the palm of her hand. Perhaps now was the time to get her own back Holly smirked.

"Although," Holly paused, the word hovering the air in ambiguity as blue eyes slowly drifted up to meet brown. "I guess I would still love them, you know? Even if they came out a bit squished."

Gail shot up in her seat and swallowed hard. "Squished?"

Holly just smiled warmly at her wife's gullibility. "Yes, squished. Don't worry, though, because they will be perfect in every other way."

"Perfect, but just squished?" Holly nodded and picked up her drink, trying very hard not to burst out laughing. "Like, how squished are we talking here?"

The door to the Penny swung open and Holly glanced over Gail's shoulder. "Shit! Shit! Here they come," she put her drink down on the table. "Act like a normal person," she said through clenched teeth.

Gail turned to face her wife. "Seriously, Hol?" She stared blankly. "I'm not the one with a laminated pros and cons list sitting in my lap."

"Well he needs to be properly informed and that means the good and the bad stuff, and my laminator, was like, right there!" Holly defended herself. "Laminating it just seemed like the next logical thing to do."

"Of course it did," Gail scoffed.

"Let's just ease into this, okay? Slow and steady. And don't aggravate him. I'd like his sperm and I don't particularly want to be a single mother."

"Yes, mummy," Gail groaned, childishly rolling her eyes.

"Sorry we're late," Steve slid into the bench opposite them and was shortly followed by Traci. "So? What's been happening?" Steve smiled as he placed his car keys onto down the table in front of him.

"Give me your sperm?" Gail felt a swift kick to her shin beneath the table. She was just thankful her wife wasn't wearing her steal capped boots.

"Buy me a drink first?" Steve spit on his hand and then held it out over the table towards his little sister.

"Deal," Gail then spat in her own and they proceeded to shake on it. "Should we eat?"

Steve nodded in agreement. "The burgers are usually good here when Mike isn't cooking."

Holly was stunned. Speechless even, but of course that didn't last long. "Wait! What just happened?"

"Holly," Traci snapped her fingers in front of Holly's face as she tried to catch her attention and once she had it, she grinned widely. "You're going to be starting a Peck clan of your own."

"I am?" She asked incredulously as Traci nodded.

"Yeah, but Steve," Gail waited for her brother to look at her. "Apparently they might come out a bit squished."

"Makes sense," he grunted unconsciously looking down.

"Hol, if the babies are squished will-"

Holly had quickly slid across the bench and taken her wife's face into her hands, stopping Gail from saying anymore. She looked into those pale blue eyes, so beautiful and so innocent and for the first time in two weeks she allowed herself to be completely happy. She was having a baby. A baby with an insane person, but she was her insane person, which meant a possibly an insane baby, her insane baby…their insane baby.

Gail just smiled and brushed the lone tear off of her wife's face with her the pad of her thumb. "I love you, and I will love our babies so much."

"Squished heads and all?"

Gail simply nodded. "Squished heads and all."


End file.
